I began this blog a while ago and I am yet to set myself up to writing here. And all this while I have been in a quagmire of guilt hoping that one day soon I shall find the inspiration to start my journey of exploration. The guilt stays sore, and the journey is yet to begin. Inspiration seems to come now and then…and yet it still seems to evade me.
So I shall write here how I plan to get the genie into the bottle. Do I actually have one? I shall explore this as I write along.
There are two major reason why I find it difficult to write. First, I have a fear coupled with laziness. The fear is how I will be understood or rather misunderstood by the reader. The fear of being criticized. Second, the desire for perfection coupled with inaction. I have this weird notion that one must aim for perfection in all one does. This might be a wonderful gospel truth, but for me it has only crippled me from expressing myself. I had always felt that all of my words had to be amazing words that could be written on stone; and I waited and waited for the words to come. They did come in flashes here and there. They sparked up and regurgitated a few emotions of wonder and surprise…and few moments later they evaporated softly into thin air. All I was left with were just the beautiful sensation when nothing gets created.
The stress we build up while striving to create something is unfathomable. The desire to create is so ingrained in us that we feel that is the only purpose of our lives. Today, I see that it makes not sense if I create or do not create. All I can at least do is be a journalist, a documentarian. There is no fixed, great truth to capture. There is only passing, fleeting events in time. I can do well to be an observer in this flux and document what I see, feel and momentarily believe. These shall be opinions that shall be ever changeable. I shall present what I presently experience and share the joy of the experience with all.
On the side… a thought comes to my mind. Even the Genesis shows that God did not create all of his wonders in a single moment, but over a span of days. Why? He was documenting his experiences, learning from one and remodeling the other.
So this is where I am. Learning how to write and be written.